A rodeo is where you're well-paid for a day's work. You do the rest of the year for practically nothing.

A spittoon is a brass object located near the area where you are allowed to spit on the floor.

Somebody asked me why the barn smelled so bad. I said probably because it's too close to the bunkhouse.

A fella wanted to know if I could outrun his horse; I said it all depended on what was chasing it.

A fella wanted to know what to do if a horse bucks him off. I said if anybody is looking, you get right back on. If no one is looking, you find a different horse.

A plate of beans on a cattle drive tastes better than a steak at a wedding.

A fella asked if I was the one kissing the horse at the dance last night. I said I didn't know, it was dark.

Singing is not necessarily part of a cowboys job... it could be, though, depending on whether the cows stay or leave.

A cactus is a flower with an attitude.

Someone once asked me which made a better horse, a fat one or a trim one. I said it depends on whether you want to hide behind something or go somewhere.

If Sears and Roebuck knew what their catalog was used for, they might have done better by just selling toilet paper in the first place.

A fella asked me why we didn't have enough sense to come in out of the rain. I said ordinarily we would, but it sets a bad example for the cows.

Someone asked me once what was the wildest thing I've ever been around. I said the answer depends on whether it was something I roped or paid for.

The older I get, the longer it takes to do something fast.

A fella cowpoke once apologized for the way he smelled after eating a bowl of chili. I told him no apologies necessary, 'cuz he smelled like that most of the time anyway.

A fella wanted to know what kind of retirement plan we had. I said it's a pretty good one when you get your work done, you can bed down for the night.

Knowing I live on a big ranch, someone once asked me what the strangest sight is that I could expect to see. I told him I couldn't say, 'cuz I don't get into town very often.

Someone asked me once if I was sick and gonna die, would I go to the town doctor or an Indian Medicine Man. I said it depended on which one was the better liar.

Someone asked me what's the worst thing I could expect to see on a cattle drive. I said the trialboss if you weren't doing what you were hired to do.

Someone asked me how to tell a good guy from a bad guy. I said have one of them stand next to a mule. If you see two jackasses, then you'll have the answer.

A cowpoke wanted to know what we would do if we were ever chased by a bunch of wild Indians. I said it depends on whether they were squaws or braves.

A fella once asked me how I spelled my name, so I misspelled it on purpose just to see how smart he was.

You can tell how lonely a wolf is by his howling late at night. What bothers me is the fact that they were just answering me back.

Someone once asked if I've ever heard the "Call Of The Wild." I said "No, I've never been to college."

Later in life I found out many things that are extremely important. I just can't remember what they are.