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AGMAN
Baxter's Agricultural Super Hero
Current Episode of AG MAN!
Baxter Black, former large animal veterinarian and irregular commentator on National Public Radio, is America's best-selling cowboy poet. He is a frequent performer at national stock shows and rodeos as well as in many smaller local events. He is author of several books, including Cactus Tracks, Croutons on a Cow Pie, Hey, Cowboy, Wanna Get Lucky? and Dunny and the Duck. Visit the Coyote Cowboy Company and check out Baxter's great book catalog.
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DISCLAIMER: No animals were harmed in the writing of this poem.
The pour-on instructions said, DANGER:
Pay attention and get this part right!
Use branding irons with much precaution.
The fumes are inclined to ignite.
WHOA BACK, JACK! MY COWS ON FIRE!
No kiddin, Jack spoke through the flames.
WELL DONT JUST STAND THERE, PUT HER OUT!
WEVE GOT NO TIME TO PLAY GAMES.
WHATAYA DOIN YA NINCOMPOOP!
Its a 2 x 4, whataya think.
YOU CANT STOP A FIRE WITH A 2 x 4.
ITLL NEVER WORK, TRY YOUR CHINKS!
Try yer own. Im just the hired help.
DO SOMETHIN! SHELL GET OVERHEATED,
Hows this, Dear Lord, please save this cow.
And...Dear Larry, expletive deleted.
This whole thing transpired in just seconds.
The fumes caught on fire with a whoosh.
It made a big pop like a snappin sheet
and flared like a creosote bush.
But in that short time Jack and Larry
resembled the Keystone cops.
They splashed on a thermos of coffee,
a bottle of Peppermint Schnapps.
They climbed in the squeeze chute like monkeys
and danced on her back in the smoke
to stomp out the mini inferno.
They tried disco, the polka and folk.
They hefted up both of their cow dogs
to get em to lift up their leg
They captured a guinea in passing
to try and squeeze out an egg.
YER HAT! USE YER HAT! cried out Larry.
Jack raised a barbecued brow.
Yer dumber than boiled gravel.
My hats worth more than your cow!
You could call the famed Forest Service
on your cellular phone or your fax
And order a single smoke jumper
to parachute in with his axe.
Or smother the flames with your slicker,
if youd brought it, but, no, you refrained,
Knowing that she wouldnt need it
if it was pourin down rain.
They argued like this for an hour.
This ruckus was soon overblown.
The arson inspector was summoned
though the cow had gone out on her own.
Its a pure case of simple malfeasance.
Just stupid, the inspector said.
Id arrest you for preheating jerky
but you aint got a brain in your head!
I could cite you as an accomplice,
inciting her carnal desire
By stimulating hot flashes
which added fuel to the fire.
But the charge Im writing you up for
is an old law, though not obsolete,
For cow dancing after shes fired up.
Or, at least, while shes still in heat.
click here for more Cowboy poetry
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Baxter Black can be contacted via email at:
Copyright © 2001 Coyote Cowboy Company. All rights reserved.
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